


He's Blue, and I'm Lilac

by josiemoone



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Declarations Of Love, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Love, Friendship/Love, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, Love/Hate, M/M, References to Depression, Unrequited Love, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2019-01-01 00:37:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12144726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/josiemoone/pseuds/josiemoone
Summary: When Marlene attempts to help Sirius even with the things she knows, it reveals a love she hadn't quite noticed. A love between Remus and Sirius. AU





	He's Blue, and I'm Lilac

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the Sing Me A Rare Competition on The Fairest Of The Rare FB Group, but I'm trash and it became this.  
> A huge thank you to SandraSempra for alpha/beta'ing this piece, even if I made her eyes fog.
> 
> The song inspiration is Colors, by Halsey.  
> All lyrics, characters belong to the respective owners.

 

* * *

**He's Blue, and I'm Lilac**  
[ _Colors by Halsey_ ]

* * *

Every night he curled into the colour, retreating to the darkest corners so he could greet his demons. She would watch him uncap the bottle, barely smelling the scent of the whisky as he brought the rim of the glass to his lips. He'd taste it like he used to kiss her, and memories of his lips ghosting over her skin lit a wick in her that she didn't know was still there.

They had once got lost in each other like no other, back pressed against stone walls, fingers peeling fabric that separated them. The world shined bright, rainbows and sparkling stars as he'd part her legs and kiss away her doubts.

Sirius Black was heaven, the stars and the world. He looked at her as though she could fix a crack in a mirror, bring a light and banish the darkness. Marlene hadn't ever expected that look to vanish; she expected it to be forever like he said they would be.

Like the grey of his eyes and the grey of the smoke that passed his lips as he smoked a new addiction that replaced her; her world was tainted in the shade, nothing seeming like anything anymore.

Marlene rose from her own corner, crossing the room with the same fake confidence she plastered on her face in the morning as she stared into the mirror. Taking a deep breath, her back straight and her expression stern she stopped before him.

She hated how insanely handsome he was, his chiselled jawline, and ripped stomach that his t-shirt snugly fit. He was a weakness to many and Marlene hated she was part of that statistic. She wanted to be done with him, to be better than the lust that pooled in her stomach and the way her heart doubled in speed as it caught sight of him.

Most of all, Marlene hated how she had thought he was her happily ever after. That he had loved her then decided one day she wasn't the one for him; she wasn't the sky he wanted to stare at forever or the shade of lilac he wanted in his life.

Her hand extended out, her eyes signalling to the bottle in his grasp that had become a comfort to him, when it had once been her. That time had fizzled out, a distance had spread between them forcing them apart, and calling time on what had been the best months of her life. He looked a mess too, but she didn't show hers quite as boldly, opting for privacy as she battled the demons he had left behind.

"Just because your little brother doesn't tell you he loves you, doesn't mean you're a failure. Just because your mother only smiles at everyone else other than you doesn't mean you have to drink yourself to death." Marlene attempted to grab the bottle from his vice-like grip, hoping it would free him of one of the demons. His eyes flashed a colour, a haunting and stunning shade she hadn't seen in so long before he looked down, hiding his bared soul. "Let me help you," she pleaded, her voice like a whisper combined with a punch, "Let _me_ be your rock. Even if you don't want me. Let me save you."

Sirius slowly rose from the armchair, his body towering over hers and the bottle pressed against her hands, against their bodies. "You aren't anyone's hero, Marl." He pushed past her, devastating the many colours of her world and leaving it grey in his exit.

* * *

_She didn't know why she came up here with him. Perching on the top roof of the boarding school had been a thing they had done in their teenage years when they had everything to escape._

_Tradition, it seemed, was unbreakable, and while they had nothing to run from, they always escaped to this place. It was the centre of them, the heart of what made them who they are._

_His fingers found hers, his calloused digits grazing the soft skin that was chilly in the night air. "Forever, Marl. You and I. Black, white and the grey in between; we are it all. Aren't we?"_

_Marlene bit down on her bottom lip. "There was me thinking that Lupin was your forever..." her eyes meeting his as she flashed her devilish smirk._

_"Hilarious. We are... best friends. He's that... soul mate, the mate one. I have James, the brother. Peter, the best friend. Remus..."_

_"Your other half?"_

_Sirius dipped his head, and she saw his cheeks blush. "You think that's stupid?"_

_Marlene took a breath, allowing him to simmer for a second before she turned her palm to meet his and laced their fingers.. "I think that is incredibly sweet. However," her brow raised as she smiled, "where do I slot in? Am I the rogue? The loveable wench that stole your heart?"_

_He brushed his thumb over her fingers, lingering over a particular one that made her hold her breath. "You're... my heart. The best part of me, but love's the worst. You're unexplainable... you're... Lilac."_

_Marlene took the bottle from him, her lips replacing where Sirius' had once been as she let the brown liquor drip down her throat. It had been the first thing she learnt about him. He loved the colour purple, and how it was a shade amongst shades, neither light or dark, right or wrong. It was royal, intense and unexpected, but a shade he didn't feel matched him._

_She placed the bottle beside her, looking up at him as she flashed her lashes. "And what are you, blue? The shade that morphs into many?"_

_Sirius smiled, and it was unlike any other. It didn't have a hint of cockiness or a slice of fakeness in it. It was genuine, and it genuinely scared her._

_He leant closer to her, his palms spreading out over her knees as he warmed her skin instantly. "Something like that. An enigma. You can't explain blue, there are various shades, and all of them are unlike any other."_

_"You, Sirius Black, are far too confident."_

_Sirius dug his fingers into her skin a little deeper, pulling himself up as he covered her mouth with his lips slowly. Colours merging, and an array of blue showering between them. Calming, compelling, and unexplainable - just like them. He licked the whisky from her lips as she parted her mouth for him, the bottle falling to the side as he pushed her flat to the stone, his body above hers._

_"Marlene," he breathed, his thumb stroking her cheek before running his fingers through her hair, brushing it all from her face and neck, "you're the best part of my morning, night and in between. You're that shade that sits between the dark and the day, the unexplainable one, that's you."_

_Marlene rolled her lips together as she suppressed the smile that wished to appear, turning it into a smirk. "My boyfriend, the poet."_

_"Incorrigible," he breathed as his jaw ghosted past hers, his teeth nipping at her neck as her fingers ran through his hair, gripping on as his hips rolled into hers._

* * *

Marlene dug the headphones into her ears, the back of her skull meeting the floor as her ankles rested on the bed. The floor was cold, but so was her heart. The rain pelted against the windows just like her tears fell against her cheeks.

She had seen him lost in a daze pressing his lips against the girl outside, against _their_ tree. The very bark he had held her against as he touched her, made her thoughts vanish under the pad of his thumb and sweep of his tongue on her lips. He hadn't been with anyone in the weeks since they had split — whisky was his friend, and lover.

He danced with the bottle, kissed the liquid, and loved the thrill it gave him. She saw it in his eyes, curled into the corner thinking he had escaped for a moment — for a breath.

Marlene always saw. She saw the kiss, she saw the way he looked at the bottle and the way he looked at his friend. The worst of it all, he had seen her catch him at the tree. His silver daggers slicing over her eyes, skin and soul. Sirius had looked at her after laughing at one of his _friends_ jokes, reminding her that she couldn't do that anymore. He diced all she knew about herself, and wrecked what she could have been. Colours seemed to diminish, and the autumn season seemed bland compared to what Marlene had known.

It didn't matter how loud her iPod went, the vibrations of his fist banging against her door couldn't be drowned out. She felt it, as though he was knocking on her bones, asking her to wake up to him — but she wasn't his. No one could be. He was doomed, broken, irreparable — that's what he said, not that she ever believed him.

Marlene heard him over Halsey's gritty, beautiful voice, and she forced herself to remain against the stone floor, her spine freezing against the cold night. Her eyes closed, she tried to feel the magic of the music flow between her skin, and ignore the gurgling of the liquor in her stomach that didn't sit well.

She knew it was inevitable she'd be sick. Her lips had consumed so much of his stash she knew that was all he cared about — knowing she wasn't the person for him anymore, not the shade he wished to paint his walls with.

Whisky, the liquor of giants who wished to be smaller; the drink of those who wish to be bigger than they were. A drink for lost souls who smoked to mask themselves behind. The liquid glazing her throat and lips, she wondered if he kissed her would he want her because of the taste.

Sirius drank to hide from his demons; Marlene drank to confront them.

* * *

_Her hand brushed back his hair, staring and losing herself in the gleam of hope that she always saw in his eyes. Sirius felt alone, his family turning his back on him after scarring him with fake truths he'd never be able to rid. She wanted to erase his doubts, her lips lightly pressing against his as his calloused hands ran over her soft thighs._

" _You don't need to talk," Marlene whispered, his eyes filling with fear. "I am here though."_

_Sirius pursed his lips before capturing hers, his thumb and index finger rubbing her cheek before curling her blonde hair behind her ear. He was being pulled apart, she could feel it in the way he touched her, but still she clung to him, hoping she'd be able to force him back together._

_Their lips broke, and her eyes opened, washing him in a love Marlene hoped he would remember. His face had paled, making the cuts look that much deeper and the bruises that much bolder._

" _I need a smoke," Sirius whispered against her skin, pressing kisses against her jaw down to her collarbone, "I need to just…"_

" _Forget?" Marlene offered._

_His lips curled in his usual way; a look that made her wonder if she was dancing with the devil itself or if he was a reincarnated God who knew far too much._

" _I love you Marl."_

_She believed him. She had always been foolish._

* * *

Her head pounded, the sunglasses covering her face, offering very little in support of the hangover she was feeling. Marlene had risen before anyone else had, exiting the dormitory and heading out into the vast gardens of the Boarding School. This place was supposed to be a gift, an escape, but in reality it was a prison.

It reminded its occupants of what they _couldn't_ escape, the people who didn't want them and the things they didn't understand.

Marlene felt trapped. The feeling having been building like a tsunami for months, but now it approached land, ready to crash down and wash away everyone she had once held dear to her.

Sirius had been wrong, she wasn't lilac, or even blue. She was grey. Boring, bland, minimalistic Marlene.

Her hands curled around her knees, her chin resting in the gap between as her nails dug into her skin. Even behind her shades, behind the very accessory that could hide her pain, she sobbed. It was all she did. Her heart twisting and cracking, image after image of his smile that merged into sadness, breaking her apart with each millisecond she focused on it. Her eyes couldn't blink it away, it stayed, remained like it was a part of her vision, even if the grass was tall and littered with flowers.

There wasn't beauty, there was just darkness and sorrow.

"Marl?"

He was just darkness and sorrow.

"I can only imagine how much you're head is hurting."

She was dark and full of sorrow.

"Look, we need to talk."

Marlene didn't want to meet his eyes. He didn't deserve it and even with her knowing this, telling herself this — she looked, meeting the exposed soul of Sirius Black. The fractured man who looked like a lost child in an adult's body.

Sirius didn't wait to be invited, even if the grass was Hogwarts property, seating himself beside her, taking a tug at the grass beside him. She listened to his breathing, his sober, panicked breathing. Marlene focused on it, wondering if she focused hard enough, she could hear the heartbeat she had listened to at night when she lay on top of him.

"I'm… I'm a mess," he mumbled. The words doing an odd dance to her ears as his tone sounded so unlike his, she wondered if it was real and not inside her head.

Her desire to argue with him, tell him he was a masterpiece even if he was ripped at the edges; she saw him as perfection, even if no one else would.

His fingers traced under her thigh, and the urge to rip herself from his grasp heightened, but her hangover kept her from moving. Marlene's head was close to exploding, obliterating and ruining her more than she already was.

"But you don't need a hero," Marlene spat in a whisper. Her words punctuated with the anger that bubbled deep within, boiling and wishing to scold him.

Sirius sighed heavily, weighted; his chest rattled with the emptiness his pain had created. "I say the wrong things, a lot," her scoff punctuating his sentences causing him to pause, "and apparently I'm a dog who kisses girls when I love someone else."

Marlene dipped her head, closing her eyes to contain the tears that wished to spill. It didn't matter if he was sorry, she didn't want to believe him.

Sirius turned onto his legs to face her side profile. She could feel him wanting to remove the glasses, the mask she wanted to hide behind for a little longer. "Marl. I'm serious about you." His hand gliding up to her knee as she hated the fact she hadn't changed into jeans. "I made a pun. I'm damaged. Fuck… Marlene I'm fucking trashed. I'm every fucking shade of the rainbow in a twisted mess that someone threw at a canvas. I'm…"

"Perfect."

"Marl…"

Her hand removed her shades, her eyes blurred with tears and her cheeks painted in what he had done. His lips were open, ready to say more, but not knowing what.

She did. Marlene the bright, the colourful; the girl who wouldn't allow the grey to taint her anymore. The angry, unyielding woman who had given him everything, for him to throw it back. "But. You knew that already, didn't you? Hmm. Because _he_ told you that didn't he." His mouth closed, his eyes blinking twice. "You can't run from your demons, Black. Not when they share your dorm."

Sirius swallowed, fear covering his face and that same pale shade he had when she had seen his scars — seen the pain he had been put through. She hadn't known then, she hadn't been _smart_ enough to know now.

Marlene thought he loved her, like she loved him.

"I may be your lilac, but he's your rainbow, isn't he?" Her lip beginning to tremble. "You love me, but you're _in love_ with the rainbow — lilac isn't the colour for you. Not now. Not ever."

* * *

_Marlene hadn't meant to press her ear against the wood, but she knew the tone of his voice, that irritated, bothered tone which cut through her like glass. She hated him being upset; she hated being the one to upset him, and Marlene half-wished she hadn't been so demanding when she asked him to choose._

_If she hadn't maybe they wouldn't have split, she may not have gotten drunk and spilled secrets that were sacred. He might not hate her._

_Her regrets kept her still against the closed door, only wood separating her from apologising to the man on the other side. He was angry, cross, fuming probably_ — _she had made a fool off him. They always fought, they were like ice and fire, dark and light. This couldn't be any different._

_Except it was._

_She felt her hand cup her mouth before her brain had a chance to register what she had heard. Her brain began to whirl, the edges of her ripping, crumbling away._

" _I don't know what to do Moony. I love you, but I —"_

"— _Don't. Don't, please. I - I can't let you hurt her, not for me, not when I don't deserve —"_

"— _You deserve it all, Moony. You deserve everything."_

 _She knew that voice. It grated on her for taking his attention so many times, but jealousy over a friend had been foolish_ — or so she had been told. _Marlene had been right though; there was more than met the eyes, and her gut had been correct. Time after time running like a moving portrait of her life, colours vanishing from happy memories as she wondered, horribly, if he had ever wanted her. Or had she been just another option, rather than the option._

_Marlene, stupidly and foolishly, had thought they'd reunite._

" _You… me. There isn't anything until you've been honest. No liquor, Padfoot. Words, and they're owed to Marlene. She's my friend. Our friend. Us… can't happen unless she's okay."_

_Tears began to fall from her long lashes. The pain choking her, wrapping around her throat as it attempted to suffocate her and starve her lungs of the wish to survive. Her back slid down the wall, her body meeting the floor with a thud that rattled her bones — her empty soul._

_Marlene had been broken by their split, her heart shredded in two, but it was nothing compared to this. Nothing, compared to this._

* * *

The conversation hadn't gone well. Sirius had remained silent as she spat her venomous words at him, her eyes watching each one fall from her lips and pierce into the fragmented exterior called Sirius Black. She hated him for being a good man. He hadn't done anything wrong, but it didn't make the pain any less, it didn't give her back the tainted memories she had hoped to cherish.

It didn't stop her chest from hurting or her head from swirling.

Sirius took everything she threw at him, and even when her clenched fists began to batter his skin, he only pinned her against the grass, looking down at her with eyes she didn't recognise anymore. Love swirled in the darkness, and it lit him like she had never been able too.

He didn't deny anything. His truth fell from his lips with quick recession as the missing gaps in the deceitful portrait she had painted began to fill. Even when Marlene convinced herself he had done something, somewhere, wrong; she couldn't find it.

"Marl… " his thumbs circling her wrists, just like he always did; just like she wanted him too. "You can't hate me more than I do. Tru - trust me. Okay? I never acted on it, and nothing, not a single thing will happen if you aren't okay. Okay?"

His fingers left her skin, leaving white marks that she watched vanish. His fingers brushed his hair back, and she noticed the shade of his skin had improved. He looked bright, like the sun.

Marlene found words stuck to her throat and tongue, unable to wiggle free and fly into the air to meet his ears. She wanted to ask if he, Sirius 'selfish' Black, would really do nothing just because of her. It wasn't that she didn't believe him because a part of her did, but she didn't understand why she was so important.

When he left, the grass where he sat didn't rise for sometime, her eyes scanned the landscape. With her adamancy to refute his claims, Marlene was sure she hadn't seen anything as beautiful as a glowing Sirius. It had been the very thing that had drawn him to her in the first place, he had been the life of the party and had always been laughing, but now that she thought of it, he had always been with Remus. James and Peter had been there also, but there was always something in the way those two looked at one another — brothers, Lily had said, how wrong she had been.

She hugged her knees as the wind turned colder, and the bitterness inside of her thawed, and the pain didn't seem nearly as bad. Somehow, the truth had in fact set her free.

* * *

_Her eyes burned with the tears that had refrained from falling. Sirius sat beside her, the two watching the flames dance in the fire. He didn't know what she had heard, and she didn't know exactly what had gone in the room — but her mind had filled in the blanks. Marlene was unable to unsee them, even if she had never laid eyes on them before. The picture frame she had mentally created that played out their reunion, was cracked, marked and burnt._

" _I love you, Marl."_

_She wanted to roll her eyes because hours ago it would have meant everything to her, but now it meant nothing. They had split up, equally but still painfully; she had vowed to get him back and made a fool out of herself. Marlene had embarrassed him, and he still sat beside her — even if he did love someone else, and was too cowardice to admit it._

" _Just not in the way you deserve," he mumbled, the truthfulness of it causing her body to go rigid and her stomach to tighten in a knot._

_She despised how close he was to telling her because she wasn't ready, not at all. Her fingers desperately wanted to plunge into her ears and silence the rest of the room, never hearing the words that rattled inside of him._

_Marlene turned, facing him, seeing the blue in him fade to nothing, and the colourful illusion she had of him dim to a colour she couldn't recall. He was just inked words over his skin and sunken eyes; a pitiful existence and sorrow wrapped in a bow that had been placed beside her._

_Neither of them were who they had once been. The fire and the ice vanished leaving scorch marks and puddles._

" _I'm sorry," Sirius whispered, barely audible but more powerful than any other words he had ever said to her. "I am sorry that I don't."_

* * *

Days had passed. Emotions had stewed.

Marlene clutched a bottle of Ogden's _finest_ whisky, her shoes clicking up the stone staircase to the roof of the boarding school — how she wished she could do magic, like the witches in her fictional books, and erase all of this and start again. If she had magic, however, she wouldn't have met him, and while he was an arse and a pig, she didn't regret the time they had.

Sirius wasn't facing her direction when she reached the top of the room, his hair blowing in the cool breeze as his scarf lay on the floor discarded. His back was curled over his knees — the usual position he adopted when he tried to hide his tears.

Her eyes glanced down at the bottle in her hand, thanking her thoughts for bringing a liquor that would make this a little easier — a little smoother. At least drunk she would be able to say what she was thinking; at least tipsy he wouldn't interrupt her — Sirius always a little slower when inebriated.

"Oi, Blue?" She smiled, his head whipping around to face her too quickly; so much so his neck cracked. "Someone told me that blue and lilac are best friends, do I need to correct them?"

He licked his lips, hastily wiping away his tears as he shook his head. He looked lost, and she had an inkling as to why. Marlene had noticed Remus keeping his distance, and the painful looks she witnessed pass Sirius' face had chipped away at the frozen heart she had adopted.

_You're no one's hero Marl._

_How wrong you are, Black._

Lifting the bottle in her hand, his eyes lighting up before they dipped down to the tiles on the roof. She couldn't quite believe he had done it, and while it had stung because it was for someone else, she didn't hate it. Marlene was thankful.

"I won't tell, _Moony_ , if you won't." She moved closer to him, holding out the bottle as he took it before offering her a hand up to where he was perched. Marlene hesitated for a second before taking it, thankful she didn't feel a warmth she usually did when he touched her.

"You need to take something back," she smiled as she brushed down her skirt, "You once said that I'm no one's hero. I think I am yours."

Sirius frowned, lines deepening on his forehead as confusion mounted behind the grey swirls in his eyes.

"I may not have stopped you from lurking in corners, drinking away your feelings, but I'm going to finally give you what you want." Marlene paused, mainly for dramatic effect but also to study his expression, to see him rattled and unable to sit still. "You were a blessing dressed in leather, but you weren't mine. Lilac… it shouldn't have even been a colour that I settled for."

A breeze blew past them, and she curled closer to him out of nature. His arm wrapped around her, providing her with a warmth he felt he owed her. Even now, Sirius loved her — not in the way she wanted, but the way she needed.

"You pulled me apart at the seams, Sirius. You coloured me in, but… I want to be more than a shade, I want to be a… "

"— A rainbow," Sirius mumbled, finishing her thought.

Marlene looked at him. Really looking at him. She saw past the man she had known, and the man he had wanted to be. Her eyes saw who he was, and how beautiful that person was, but she hadn't noticed. She saw him as red, as blue and yellow; then she saw him as the colours in between.

He was alive, he was a masterpiece and a beautiful one at that. He was home, and it didn't hurt, it didn't sting at all. This man, the one with his arm around her, who loved her like a best friend… It wasn't the man she loved either, he was someone else; someone better and more complete.

She cleared her throat, cutting through their blank stares and building tension. "He's in the library. Remus. Take the bottle, and if you don't kiss him I will." Sirius cocked his eyebrow, a smirk beginning to pass over his lips. "You aren't the only handsome one in your friend's, Black."

"Incorrigible."

He pressed a swift kiss to her forehead, one that melted away the last bits of ice and allowed her to fly free. She felt herself be reborn, more confident and more sure of herself. Her eyes watched his, waiting for him to say the last word, but she couldn't let him.

_Fire and ice. Blue and lilac._

"Am I still a colour in your world, Black?"

Sirius laughed, richly and full of life. "You're the best parts of my world, Marl. The morning, evening and all that's in between. You're the brightest parts in the world."

"My best friend, the _poet_ ," Marlene mumbled.

* * *

 

**xXx**

**Author's Note:**

> Find Me On Tumblr: [josiemoone](https://josiemoone.tumblr.com)


End file.
